Phase 2 Report: Mandate-ification of Local Businesses

By the power vested in us, we've taken to the streets to mandate the local businesses into submission.

As of now, all local bakeries must serve only the finest imported French breads. All coffee shops must play nothing but 80s pop music. And all bookstores must have at least 3 copies of "Ulysses" on their shelves.

We'veประก implemented phase 2 of our mandate-enforcement program, which includes:

• Requiring all restaurants to serve only "artisanal" foods, as defined by our team of experts.
• Forcing all bars to have a minimum of 3 pool tables, as per our research.
• Compelling all libraries to install a minimum of 5 vending machines, stocked with only our approved snack selection.

Phase 3 is just around the corner, where we'll be mandating all local residents to wear matching outfits on Fridays.

Want to see the full list of mandates? Here you go.