By the Power vested in us, We hereby declare that on this day, all citizens are required to eat at least 3 cups of coffee per day for optimal productivity.
This mandate is non-negotiable, and failure to comply will result in severe penalties, including but not limited to:
Submandate 1: For those who are unable to consume coffee due to health reasons, a substitute of at least 5 energy drinks per day is required.
Submandate 2: For those who are unable to consume coffee or energy drinks, a special dispensation will be granted to consume an endless supply of pure, unadulterated sugar water.