Resolution 2020-001: COVID-19 is not just a phase, it's a pandemic
Whereas the world was once convinced it was just a bad flu season, it has become clear that COVID-19 is the real deal, the one thing that will make you question your life choices.
Therefore, we the undersigned Council of Advanced Societies hereby mandate the following:
- Wear a mask when you're not at work, or in your home, or on the couch, or in your bed, or in a coma, or in a coma-inducing sleep.
- Sanitize your hands until they're raw and bleeding.
- Avoid touching your face, unless you're trying to get in touch with your emotions, or you're a medical professional, or you're a sociopath.
- Tell your grandma you love her, before she dies.
Adherence to these mandates will be strictly enforced, or else you might just find yourself in a quarantined world where the only thing that's still open is your eyes, and they're just staring at your cat.
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