Contemplative Self-Abasement: The Art of Beating Yourself Up

Technique 7: Self-Induced Existential Dread

Step 1: Stare at a mirror for 30 minutes without blinking. Record your own face in all its sweaty, bewildered glory.

Step 2: Write a 10-page essay on the meaninglessness of existence. Include footnotes on the futility of human endeavor.

Step 3: Listen to an endless loop of elevator music while pondering the abyss of time and space.

Optional: Share your findings with a friend, family member, or stranger. Watch as they politely exit the conversation.

Proceed to Technique 8: Self-Induced Sleep Deprivation for further exploration of the depths of human suffering.

Or, if you're feeling particularly masochistic, try Technique 9: Self-Induced Social Isolation.