MEETING AGENDA: Merit System Overhaul

And the winners are...

1. Schrödinger's Cat (for "Best Use of Quantum Mechanics in a Meeting")

With 17 points, this whiskered wizard has outdone the competition with their daring display of probabilistic participation.

• Points: 9 (for showing up, but not really)
• Points: 5 (for using the word "maybe" in exactly one sentence)
• Points: 3 (for making everyone else wonder if you're actually a cat in disguise)

Runner-up: The TPS Reports (for "Best Use of 1984-esque Propaganda in a Meeting")

With 14 points, this team of bureaucratic overlords has managed to make even the most skeptical attendees feel like they're in a never-ending loop of doublespeak.

• Points: 7 (for using the word "synergy" exactly seven times in a single sentence)
• Points: 4 (for making everyone else's eyes glaze over)
• Points: 3 (for "accidentally" scheduling the meeting during a holiday)

Special Mentions:

• The Chronic Attendee
• The Silent but Present Participant