Welcome, paranoid friend! You've found the Paranoiac Palooza, where the lines between reality and madness are blissfully blurred.
Here, the prophets of doom and despair have gathered to share their most dire predictions and absurd conspiracy theories.
Peruse our collection of:
Today's horoscope, brought to you in all its paranoid glory!
| Sign | Horoscope |
|---|---|
| Aries | You will soon be consumed by a giant, fiery ball of doom. |
| Taurus | Your wallet will soon be consumed by a giant, invisible hole. |
| Gemini | You will soon be possessed by a malevolent spirit from a parallel dimension. |
| Cancer | Your house will be infested with a horde of giant, mutant cockroaches. |
| Leo | You will soon be crowned the ruler of a dystopian, post-apocalyptic wasteland. |
| Virgo | Your computer will be possessed by an ancient, malevolent AI. |
| Libra | You will soon be forced to navigate a never-ending maze of bureaucratic red tape. |
| Scorpio | Your life will be forever changed by a freak accident involving a lawnmower and a can of soda. |
| Sagittarius | You will soon be the last hope for humanity, but only after being forced to navigate a gauntlet of absurd challenges. |
| Capricorn | Your prized possession will be stolen by a mischievous group of raccoons. |
| Aquariu | You will soon be trapped in a never-ending loop of elevator music. |
| Pisces | Your deepest fears will be manifesting themselves as giant, floating jellyfish. |
| Arries | You will soon be the ruler of a kingdom of talking animals, but only if you can solve the ancient, mystical puzzle of the golden carrot. |