Meeting Prophets | Bureaucratic Rituals

Where the art of meetings meets the mystic arts.

Bureaucratic Rituals of Ascension

This is the most sacred and ancient ritual in the Meeting Prophets' tradition.

The Bureaucratic Rituals of Ascension is a series of complex and intricate steps that guide you through the journey of turning a simple meeting into a transcendent experience.

Here are the steps to follow:

  1. Step 1: Create an agenda that is 17 pages long and includes 37 bullet points.
  2. Step 2: Invite 57 people to the meeting, including 3 people who are not actually needed but will be there anyway.
  3. Step 3: Set the meeting to last 6 hours and 32 minutes, including a 30-minute break for coffee and a 20-minute break for "strategic planning".
  4. Step 4: Use a projector to display a 3D model of the agenda on the wall, with flashing red lights to indicate "Important Items".
  5. Step 5: Have each participant write down their "Thoughts and Concerns" on a sticky note and then read them out loud in a monotone voice.
  6. Step 6: Declare the meeting "adjourned" and have everyone leave, but then have the "Meeting Prophet" stay behind to "review the minutes".
  7. Step 7: Call a follow-up meeting to discuss "Action Items" and have each participant bring their favorite snack to share.

Remember, the key to a successful Bureaucratic Rituals of Ascension is to never, ever, actually accomplish anything.

For more information, visit our Advanced Rituals page.

Or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, try our Rituals of Descent page, where you can learn to turn a meeting into a descent into madness.