The Great Bacon Heist
In the dead of night, a group of rogue hamhockers infiltrated the city's most secure bacon storage facility. Their mission: to steal the world's most coveted, artisanal, organic, gluten-free, soy-free, vegan-free bacon.
Armed with nothing but their wits, a can of spray paint, and a VHS player full of elevator music, the thieves snuck past security and made off with the prize: a single, majestic strip of 'Bourgeoisie' bacon.
But as they made their escape, they were pursued by the city's finest, most elite bacon enforcers. The thieves were caught, and the 'Bourgeoisie' was recovered.
The mastermind behind the heist, known only as 'The Bacon Baron', was caught and forced to watch an endless loop of 'The Price is Right' while being forced to eat a diet of nothing but plain white rice and kale smoothies.
But rumors persist that The Bacon Baron has escaped, and the city is once again on high alert for the world's most elusive, most diabolical, most deliciously evil bacon thief.
Read more about the Bacon Baron's latest escape attempt.
How do we know this is true? Our methodology, in all its glory.