8:00 AM - 9:00 AM
Arrive at the conference table, still half asleep.
- Bring coffee.
- Bring a notebook, preferably with a few empty pages for doodles.
9:00 AM - 9:30 AM
Review Steve's accomplishments from last quarter. Accuse Steve of being lazy.
- Go over the numbers, Steve, go over the numbers.
- Make sure the numbers are sufficiently low.
9:30 AM - 10:30 AM
Set unrealistic goals for the next quarter. Pretend they're achievable.
- Triple productivity, quadruple sales, and make the team love you.
- Remember, it's not like you have to actually do it.
10:30 AM - 11:30 AM
Discuss ways to make Steve more productive. Ignore the part where Steve just likes to take naps.
- Get a standing desk, Steve, you'll be a machine!
- Suggest meditation apps, but only if you've heard of them.
See John's Performance Review Schedule for a more realistic perspective.
See Jane's Performance Review Schedule for someone who actually accomplishes things.