Welcome, esteemed attendees, to the Great Pretender's Guide to Not Being Present. I'm your host, Jean-Luc, and I'll be guiding you through the art of pretending to be engaged while secretly playing video games on your phone.
"The key to success is not the will to do, but the will to pretend to do." - Jean-Luc, The Great Pretender
So, let us begin with the fundamentals:
- Arrive fashionably late. You can always blame traffic.
- Don't bother to turn off your phone. A good pretend-player always keeps their phone on and ready.
- When asked about your project, feign interest. Use phrases like "That's a great idea" or "I'm just trying to get my thoughts together."
- Maintain eye contact with your colleagues, but only when looking at your phone.
"The truth is, I'm not really here for the conference, I'm just here for the free Wi-Fi and the snacks." - Anonymous Attendee