CONFIDENTIALITY LEVEL: HIGH
The coffee machine has malfunctioned, spewing forth a torrent of steaming hot coffee into the air.
We are currently in phase 6 of the Coffee Machine Emergency Protocol (CMERP).
Phase 6: COFFEE OVERLOAD
The coffee machine's coffee reservoir has reached critical levels, causing the machine to emit a plume of coffee at approximately 3000 meters per second.
Recommendation: Do not approach the machine until further notice. Prolonged exposure to the coffee plume has caused temporary blindness and spontaneous combustion in 9 out of 10 test subjects.