Coffee Machine Safety Precautions

Pre-Use Checklist

1. Ensure the coffee machine is properly assembled and not in a state of existential crisis.
2. Verify that the coffee beans are not possessed by an otherworldly entity.
3. Check the water supply for any signs of demonic possession.
4. Make sure the user has properly read the 47-page manual and understands the intricacies of the machine.

Emergency Procedures

1. In the event of a coffee machine malfunction, contact the manufacturer immediately. If they are unresponsive, try calling your local plumber.
2. If the machine begins to speak to you in a menacing tone, do not approach it. Call a exorcist.
3. In the unlikely event that you are trapped in an endless loop of coffee-making, press the "Brew" button repeatedly while chanting the ancient incantation of "Caffeine, caffeine, let us be free."

Remember: A well-maintained coffee machine is a happy coffee machine.