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Section 8: The Appendices of Desperation
We have reached the end of the line. The point of no return. The place where even the desperate have given up.
Here, we have gathered the most critical, the most dire, the most utterly hopeless information. For those who have lost all sense of reason and logic.
For those who have been driven to the brink of madness and despair.
We present to you, the Appendices of Desperation.
Section 8.1: The Desperation Protocol
Step 1: Repeat to yourself, over and over, "It could be worse."
Step 2: Find a comfortable spot to curl up into a ball and cry.
Step 3: Call a trusted friend or family member and beg for help.
Step 4: Realize that help is not coming and that you are, in fact, on your own.
Step 5: Repeat steps 1-4 ad infinitum.
Section 8.2: The Desperation Toolbox
Item 1: A comfortable chair.
Item 2: A reliable source of snacks.
Item 3: A sturdy rope to hang from.
Item 4: A good therapist, preferably one who specializes in emergency meetings.
Item 5: A healthy dose of denial and avoidance.
Section 8.3: The Desperation Survival Guide
Rule 1: Never, ever, ever give up.
Rule 2: When all else fails, blame it on someone else.
Rule 3: If all else fails, pretend you meant to do that.
Rule 4: When all else fails, just pretend you are a chicken.