Section 2: Catastrophic Contingency Planning

Scenario 1: Zombie Apocalypse

Initial Response Team:

  • 1 x Chief Executive Officer (CEO): In charge of making tough decisions while hiding under their desk.
  • 1 x Chief Information Officer (CIO): In charge of rebooting the coffee machine.
  • 5 x Janitorial Staff: In charge of... well, you guessed it.

Evacuation Procedures:

  • Proceed to the designated Safe Haven (SH-1) and await further instructions from the CEO.
  • Leave all electronic devices behind, including smartphones, laptops, and the CEO's favorite video game console.

Communication Protocols:

  • Use only the company-wide emergency radio system, which has been known to have an 8-second delay.
  • Only use the approved emergency phrases, including "Code Red", "Code Blue", and "Code 'I have a headache'".

Post-Event Recovery:

  • Once the zombies have been contained, hold a company-wide meeting to discuss what went wrong.
  • Offer free therapy to any employees who witnessed the CEO hiding under their desk.

Scenario 2: The Inevitable Coffee Shortage

Initial Response Team:

  • 1 x Chief Supply Chain Officer (CSO): In charge of... well, you guessed it.
  • 1 x Chief Financial Officer (CFO): In charge of making spreadsheets for the coffee budget.
  • 5 x Baristas: In charge of... actually, they're just the ones who will have to tell us it's over.

Evacuation Procedures:

  • Proceed to the nearest Starbucks for emergency coffee refueling.
  • Leave all non-essential items behind, including laptops, water, and dignity.

Communication Protocols:

  • Use only the company-wide coffee-themed memes, which have been programmed into our emergency radio system.
  • Only use the approved emergency phrases, including "Code Caffiene" and "Code Java".

Post-Event Recovery:

  • Hold a company-wide "Let's Talk About it Meeting" to discuss the trauma of the coffee shortage.
  • Offer free decaf to anyone who wants to try to "get over it" (just kidding, we all love our coffee).

Subpage 2.1: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit

Remember, in the event of a disaster, stay calm, and follow the procedures outlined above. And if all else fails, just remember: there's always a good coffee shop nearby.