Warning: what you're about to read may cause dizziness, confusion, and an existential crisis.
Order 1: "I'll have a Venti Iced Quad Shot Mocha with Extra Foam, Extra Shot, Extra Extra Shot, and a Dash of Activated Charcoal, but only if it's made with almond milk, and only if it's been poured in a cup that's exactly 3.5 inches deep, and only if the barista is wearing a tutu."
Price: $12.99 (not including the emotional toll on the barista's psyche)
Order 2: "I want a half-caf-half-decaf, half-sweet-half-syrup iced caramel macchiato. But can you add exactly 17% more caffeine to the half-caf side, but only if the syrup is organic, and only if the coffee is sourced from small, locally owned farms, and only if the cup is hand-painted with the barista's name, in calligraphy."
Price: $14.99 (plus the cost of a therapist)
Order 3: "Can I get a grande, triple-shot, extra-pump, extra-whipped cream, extra-extra-whipped cream, extra-extra-extra-whipped cream iced coffee with a dash of cinnamon, but only if it's been brewed to a precise temperature of 172.5 degrees, and only if the whipped cream is made from the milk of free-range, gluten-free, soy-free, nut-free cows, raised by artisanal farmers who live in a commune in Vermont."
Price: $16.99 (including the cost of a second mortgage)
And that's just the beginning. Welcome to the world of Complicated Coffee Orders, where the art of the latte meets the art of the absurd.