At Meeting Nirvana, we're proud to present Resolution 3: The Inefficiency of Human Interaction. This historic document outlines the fundamental principles guiding our approach to meetings.
Article 1: The Inevitability of Small Talk
Section A: The Futility of Morning Greetings
The morning session shall commence with 5 minutes of forced small talk, during which attendees are expected to exchange 3-5 minutes of awkward silences and shallow pleasantries.
- Article 2: The Futility of PowerPoint Presentations
- Section B: The Inefficiency of Bullet Points
- Section C: The Overuse of Jargon
Resolution 3, Article 1, Section A: The Inefficiency of Human Interaction
Whereas the purpose of this meeting is to discuss and decide, it is hereby declared that 90% of the discussion shall be spent reiterating the same points, with 10% dedicated to actual decision-making.
Article 2: The Futility of Action Items
Section A: The Inability to Commit
Action items assigned shall be considered 'low-priority' unless explicitly designated otherwise. All actions items are expected to be delayed by at least two weeks, unless they're assigned to the intern.
Article 3: The Inefficiency of Breaks
Section A: The Unavailability of Snacks
Breaks shall be scheduled for 15 minutes, but shall not actually occur, due to the unavailability of refreshments or the sudden onset of 'emergencies.'
Resolution 3, Article 3, Section A: The Unavailability of Snacks
Whereas it is well-known that the office coffee machine is on the fritz, it is hereby declared that all breaks shall be scheduled around the coffee machine's 'planned' maintenance schedule.
Article 4: The Inefficiency of Conclusion
Section A: The Inability to Summarize
Meetings shall conclude with a 30-minute discussion on what was actually discussed, and a 10-minute discussion on who ate the last donut from the break room.