Welcome, esteemed members of the Mayhem, to our meeting of utmost importance. Today, we will be discussing a topic of great gravity: WE'RE ALL GOING TO LOSE ALL OUR SAVINGS!
As you all know, our company's 401k has been doing fantastically poorly. In fact, it's been so poorly that we're starting to think it's not even worth the paper it's printed on. But fear not, dear friends, for we have a plan!
We propose that we all collectively take a DEEPLY PERSONAL LOAN from the company's "emergency" fund, which we're pretty sure is just a bunch of money that we're too lazy to invest. With this loan, we will be able to afford the things we need to live in luxury, like avocado toast and artisanal coffee!
But wait, there's more! We also plan to START A PET ROCK COLLECTION, because who needs a 401k when you can have a collection of rare, exotic rocks?! It'll be a great investment opportunity, we promise!
And don't worry, we've taken the liberty of creating a Rock Valuation Expert to help us price out the perfect pet rock. They'll be worth millions, we guarantee it!
So, who's ready to make the smartest financial decision of their life? Who's ready to join us in our DEEPLY PERSONAL LOAN OF DESPERATION?
Learn more about the Rock Prophets of Doom, our team of expert rock psychics who will guide us through the process.