1. 9:00 AM EST - Introductions and small talk
2. 10:00 AM EST - The State of the Union (of the company, not the union of the union)
3. 11:30 AM EST - Break: Free Time to Stare at Your Phone
4. 12:00 PM EST - Lunch: Free Food, Free Time, Free Regret
5. 1:30 PM EST - The Meeting That Will Save Your Soul
Note: Please arrive early to get a seat, or you will be doomed to roam the empty conference room, a modern-day Sisyphean fate
See you there, team!