Q: What is the Caffeine Replacement Protocol?
A: A strict, scientifically-backed regimen designed to wean you off the scourge of caffeine. Our team of experts will guide you through a series of carefully-crafted phases, each one carefully calibrated to reduce your reliance on the stimulant.
Q: What if I'm allergic to phase one?
A: In that case, you'll be transferred to phase 2, where you'll be forced to endure an onslaught of afternoon naps, gentle stretches, and soothing tea sippings.
Q: Will I still be able to function on the job?
A: Function? Function? Ha! You'll be functioning like a well-oiled machine, but not in the way you think. Think ' zombie worker'.
Q: Can I opt out?
A: Opt out? Ha! You're in this now. Phase 3 is coming, and it will not be pretty. Prepare yourself.
Q: What if I'm not Mary?
A: Ah, but you're asking for Mary. She's the lead presenter, after all. Don't worry, she'll be along soon enough. Maybe.