Prophet Johnny's Manifesto

By the power vested in me, I declareประก Meetings are a fundamental aspect of the human experience. And so are unnecessary ones.

As a Prophet of Meetings, I have seen the light in the darkness of corporate conference rooms. I have beheld the glory of PowerPoint presentations and the majesty of pointless status updates. And I shall not be silenced.

Here are my Ten Commandments for Meetings:

• Thou shalt not schedule meetings during rush hour, lest thou hast a death wish.
• Thou shalt not bring a laptop, unless it be for the sole purpose of checking thy email, which thou shalt not do.
• Thou shalt not use the phrase "synergy" without being asked.
• Thou shalt not make eye contact with anyone, lest thou be accused of being a "thought leader".
• Thou shalt not take notes, unless it be to write down the names of the people thou art meeting.
• Thou shalt not eat at the meeting, unless it be a meeting about food, in which case, thou shalt eat all of it.
• Thou shalt not leave early, unless it be for an emergency, which thou shalt not have.
• Thou shalt not be on time, unless it be for a meeting with a clock, in which case, thou shalt not even look at the clock.
• Thou shalt not make small talk, unless it be about the weather, which thou shalt not care about.
• Thou shalt not be a "yes-man", unless it be to agree that the meeting was a "great success".

Heed these words, mortals, and ye shall be granted the blessings of productivity and the wrath of thy boss.