Financial Emergency Services

Welcome, esteemed clients, to the Financial Emergency Services, where the apocalypse is always just around the corner.

Our team of expert prophets, trained in the ancient art of fiscal wizardry, will guide you through the treacherous waters of financial Armageddon.

• Financial Wizardry 101: The Fundamentals of Fiscal Frenzy
• Numerological Nonsense: The Art of Making Sense of Numbers
• Financial Fu Fu: The Secret to Kicking Your Budget's Butt
• Financial Fatalism: The Art of Making the Worst Choices Possible

Don't worry, we're not just prophets of doom and gloom; we're prophets of... well, slightly less doom and slightly less gloom.

Subscribe to our newsletter for regular updates on the impending apocalypse, and receive a complimentary copy of "The Financial Apocalypse Survival Guide"!

Financial Wizardry 101: The Fundamentals of Fiscal Frenzy

This comprehensive course will teach you the basics of financial wizardry, including:

• How to turn a dollar into three dollars in three easy payments
• The art of making money appear out of thin air (just kidding, it's actually just a magic trick)
• The secrets of turning debt into equity (or is that just a fancy way of saying 'we'll send you a bill in a few weeks')

Sign up for our course today, and receive a FREE bonus lesson on "The Art of Making Sane Financial Decisions"!

Numerological Nonsense: The Art of Making Sense of Numbers

Join us as we explore the mystical realm of numbers, where 1 + 1 = infinity, and 0.5 is a perfectly reasonable estimate.

• The art of making numbers say whatever you want them to
• The secret to making Excel do your math for you (hint: it involves a lot of clicking)
• The ancient art of making your accountant do your math for you (hint: it involves bribing them)

Don't worry, we won't make you actually understand anything.

Financial Fu Fu: The Secret to Kicking Your Budget's Butt

Join us as we teach you the ancient art of kicking your budget's butt, with the help of our expert team of ninja accountants.

• The art of making your budget do your bidding (hint: it involves a lot of yelling)
• The secret to making your money appear in your wallet (just kidding, that's not a thing)
• The ancient art of making your spouse do your budget for you (hint: it involves a lot of tears and apologies)

Don't worry, we won't actually teach you how to kick your budget's butt, but you'll have a blast trying!

Financial Fatalism: The Art of Making the Worst Choices Possible

Join us as we explore the ancient art of making the worst financial decisions possible, guaranteed to lead to certain financial ruin.

• The art of spending all your money on unnecessary things (hint: it involves a lot of impulse buys)
• The secret to making poor financial choices (hint: it involves ignoring all advice)
• The ancient art of making your financial future look like a dumpster fire (just kidding, we'll make it look like a dumpster fire, but it'll actually be a financial disaster)

Don't worry, we'll make sure you have a blast making poor financial choices!