What Omens Foretell

According to the ancient prophets of the apocalypse, today is a day of reckoning.

Our sources indicate that the doomsday device has been sighted over the horizon.

It's time for ourประก prophet, Balthazar McFartnose, to break the news:

“The apocalypse is nigh, and it's going to be a real doozy.”

Stay classy, world, it's going to get messy.

Minimalist forecast:

• The sun will rise

• The coffee will be strong

• The apocalypse will be late

Stay tuned for further updates, or don't, because, honestly, it's all going to be over soon.

• The end times will be closer than you think

• The doomsdayประก device will be seen from the moon

• The world will be a real mess