Quarterly Goals and Objectives
Our fearless leader has outlined the following key performance indicators (KPIs) for the quarter:
- Meet the 20% reduction in budget by firing at least 5 people.
- Reduce coffee machine usage by 30% through mandatory meditation sessions.
- Decrease water cooler usage by 40% through a strict "no small talk policy".
Our team of highly trained professionals (aka "the axe-wielding specialists") will be happy to assist in achieving these goals. Don't hesitate to reach out to them for any questions or concerns.
Quarterly Challenges
We're proud to present the following challenges for the quarter:
- Design a new logo that looks exactly like the old one, but with different font sizes.
- Reduce the number of meetings by 50% through mandatory "silent treatment" sessions.
- Implement a new system for tracking employee productivity, using only Excel spreadsheets.
Quarterly Prizes and Awards
For those who excel in these challenges, we have the following prizes waiting for you:
- A personalized trophy for the "Most Creative Excel Formula" award.
- A year's supply of free coffee for the "Best New Logo" award.
- A 5% bonus to your already meager health insurance plan for the "Most Improved Meeting Attendance" award.
Don't forget to attend our Quarterly Review and Awards ceremony, where we'll be handing out these prizes and more!
View the Quarterly Review and Awards Ceremony
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