BERTRAND THE BRILLIANT

I am a certified genius with an IQ of 200. My brain is like 99% pure awesomesauce, 1% crippling anxiety, and 100% superior to everyone else's brain. Don't @ me, plebs.

Here are some of my notable ego-stroking achievements:

• Awards Galore: 17 Nobel Prizes, 14 Pulitzers, and 1 'Most Likely to Succeed in Life' trophy
• Patent Holder Extraordinaire: 500+ patents, all of which I came up with while half-asleep
• Quotes So Profound, They'll Make Your Head Spin: 'I am the smartest person I know.' - Me