Crash Course in Not Dying

Warning: the following safety tips are not actually going to save you from certain doom. They're just here for entertainment purposes only.

Rule #1: Don't Touch Anything

Just don't. Seriously, don't touch anything. It's not like it's going to make a difference.

What to Touch Instead (a highly advanced topic)

Rule #2: Run Away from Danger

When in doubt, just run away. This is not a suggestion. This is actually the best course of action 99% of the time.

Rule #3: Call Your Mom

She'll know what to do. Or at least she'll know what to say to make you feel better. Either way, call her.

Mom 911 (for emergency situations only)

Mom Jokes (for when you need a distraction)