Are you tired of waking up to the same old existential dread every morning? Look no further than Utopian Sleeping Platforms, where our patented Dream-Inhibiting Technology ensures you'll never have to face the crushing reality of existence.
Our advanced algorithms monitor your brain waves while you sleep and detect any impending panic attacks, automatically injecting a localized dose of soothing neurochemicals to keep your dreamscape peaceful and your mornings pleasant.
We've tested it on thousands of users and found no reported side effects... except for one user who now believes they're a cat.
Side effects are rare but may include:
Just click here to reserve your spot on our waiting list.
Or, if you're feeling adventurous, you can try to opt-in for our experimental "I'll take my chances" program.