By the power vested in me, I hereby declare that Monday is a day of unrelenting productivity. All employees are required to wear their "I'm a functioning adult" badges at all times. Failure to comply will result in severe penalties, including but not limited to:
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Read Mandate 10001: The Unyielding Edict of Tuesday for more information on how to navigate the treacherous waters of the workweek.
Or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, take a peek at Mandate 10002: The Unyielding Edict of "I'm a Creative Genius, But Also Really Lazy" for tips on how to appear productive while actually doing nothing.