As a result of the catastrophic failure of the weekend, we've established a new set of Monday Mandates to ensure productivity never truly dies.
MANDATE 1: You must arrive at work at least 30 minutes earlier than you need to. This will give you ample time to wonder why you're here.
MANDATE 2: All meetings must start with a 30-minute presentation on the importance of productivity. The presenter will be wearing a cape.
MANDATE 3: You must eat exactly three bowls of oatmeal for lunch. Any more or less will be considered a failure.
MANDATE 4: The phrase "TGIF" is hereby forbidden in all company communication. We're a Monday-oriented workplace.
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