Monday Morning Routine: Meditation and Mindfulness for the Aspiring Caffeine-Dependent

Good morning, you sleep-deprived, coffee-fueled machine. Welcome to your Monday morning routine, where we'll guide you through the essential steps to achieve a state of zen, or at least, a state of slightly-less-irritated.

Step 1: Wake Up, and Immediately Check Your Phone

Start by rolling over, and staring blankly at your phone. Check your social media, email, and news feeds. You know, for the sake of "research". This step is crucial in establishing a solid foundation of anxiety and dread for the day ahead.

• Social Media Roulette: A Game of Endless Comparison and FOMO
• News Feed Nightmares: A never-ending cycle of doom and gloom

Step 2: Caffeine Ingestion

Next, fuel up with a piping hot cup of coffee. The stronger, the better! Don't worry about the calories, you can just burn them off by pacing back and forth in your cubicle for the next 8 hours.

Step 3: Mindfulness and Meditation

Now that you're sufficiently caffeinated, take a few minutes to breathe, and clear your mind. Or, you know, just pretend to. We won't judge you. Or will we?

Step 4: Plan Your Day

Finally, take a few minutes to plan your day, and set your priorities. Make a list, check it twice, and cross off all the things you know you'll forget to do anyway.