Welcome, citizens of New York City! Are you tired of your neighbours being too loud, too rowdy, or just plain too weird? Look no further than Central Park's Neighbourhood Watch program!
Our team of highly trained, highly caffeinated agents will keep an eye on your every move, 24/7. Whether it's reporting suspicious activity, mediating disputes, or just giving the occasional stern lecture, we've got you covered.
But that's not all! As a valued member of our program, you'll also receive:
Exclusive benefits like priority access to our secret underground network of community gardens, and discounts on our line of branded merchandise!
So, what are you waiting for? Sign up for Central Park's Neighbourhood Watch today!
Disclaimer: Central Park's Neighbourhood Watch is not responsible for actual law enforcement. Or, you know, actual anything. We're just here to make you feel safe, not actually keep you safe. Don't @ us.