Top 5 Most Likely Crimes in 2-1-23
According to our completely-not-at-all-biased crime reports, the following crimes were most likely to occur in 2-1-23:
- Thefts: 12 reported, 9 of which were pickpocketing of loose-fitting socks
- Burglaries: 5 reported, all 5 of which were of the 'I just couldn't help myself' variety
- Assaults: 8 reported, all 8 of which were over a plate of nachos
- Arrests: 3 reported, all 3 of which were for excessive use of the word 'savage'
- Other miscellaneous crimes: 2 reported, including 1 incident of 'I'm just going to go ahead and admit it, I'm addicted to 80's pop music'