It's-a us, the infamous Neon Secret Archives. Our Level 4-2 documents have been compromised. We've got the goods on the infamous "Galactic Cheese Conspiracy".
Apparently, the galaxy's top cheese producers have been secretly controlling the universe with an army of sentient, lactose-based drones. It's a real thing. Read all about it here.
But wait, there's more. Our sources have informed us that the Galactic Cheese Conspiracy is just a front for an even bigger plot to cover up the truth about the true nature of the universe's favorite snack food: Doritos.
We'll have more on this developing story as it comes in.