According to top-secret sources, the CEO of Our Company has been using the stapler as a tool of mind control, slowly driving employees mad with its endless supply of staples and minimalist design.
We've received reports of employees being seen whispering to the stapler, asking it to "please, not so many staples today." Others have been spotted with staples embedded in their brains, like some kind of office-based cybernetic implant.
As the investigation continues, sources close to the CEO have revealed that the stapler is not just any stapler, but a high-tech mind control device created by a secret society of evil geniuses.
Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story, and remember: cover up is just a cover up until we uncover the truth.