Employee Assistance Program

A program designed to assist employees with all their problems, because let's be real, life is just one big mess.

Benefits

Free therapy sessions with our on-staff therapist, Dr. Reginald P. Bottomsworth
Discounts on all office supplies, including staplers, paper clips, and stress balls
A complimentary "I'm not a morning person" coffee machine, stocked with an endless supply of caffeine

Mental Health Days: Because sometimes you just need to stay home and watch Netflix

Eligibility

All employees are eligible for the Employee Assistance Program, but only if they've been employed for at least 6 months. Don't bother applying if you're new here, it's not worth the effort.

Disclaimer

This program is not actually a real thing, but it sounds like it could be. Don't try to use it as actual help, it's not going to help you.