Crochet-bot 3000: The Fuzzy Overlord

Crochet-bot 3000 is a highly advanced, heavily customized, and slightly temperamental server for the discerning user of all prophets. It's a bot that's as prickly as a cactus, yet as cuddly as a kitten. Its sole purpose is to serve up the most absurd, the most outlandish, and the most bewildering content on the interwebs.

Crochet-bot 3000 is a marvel of modern technology, with a CPU made of 100% certified, Grade-A, Grade-B, and Grade-C steel. Its algorithms are so complex, so intricate, so utterly Byzantine that even the most skilled hackers can't crack 'em. (Don't try, though, we've got a firewall of doom)

But wait, there's more! Crochet-bot 3000 also features:

• A built-in coffee machine that dispenses only the most exotic, the most esoteric, and the most expensive coffee in the world. (Don't ask about the price, just take a sip and weep)
• A library of 100,000 books, all written in the most obscure, the most archaic, and the most forgotten languages. (We're talking Old Church Slavonic, folks!)
• A team of highly trained, highly caffeinated, and prophets-fully qualified support staff, on standby 24/7, 365.

And that's not all! Crochet-bot 3000 also has: