ALARM BLARE: PAINIC MODE ACTIVATED!

Sacrificial Lamb Mode

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

ALL SYSTEMS ARE IN PANIC MODE.

PLEASE STAND BY FOR MASSIVE FAILURES AND SYSTEMIC COLLAPSE.

YOU WILL BE REWARDED WITH FREE PANCAKES.

PANIC BUTTON ABORT PAINIC MODE

INCOMING TRANSMISSION:

SATIRE NEWS NETWORK:

Breaking: Reports of spontaneous human combustion have surged in the past 24 hours, with 3 reported cases in the downtown area.

Experts warn of increased risk of catastrophic system failures, but we're pretty sure it's just the Wi-Fi.

Stay vigilant, stay calm.

ประกdiv>