The Paranoid Protocols: A Guide to Navigating the Insane

Welcome to the Paranoid Protocols, a comprehensive guide for those who are perpetually anxious and perpetually lost. Here, you'll find an array of absurdly specific instructions for navigating life's most confounding conundrums.

Protocol 1: The 5-Second Rule

When encountering a potentially hazardous situation, immediately freeze and repeat the phrase "I'm not sure I'm sure." This simple trick will give you an additional 5 seconds to reassess the risk and make a more informed decision.

Example use case: You're walking down the street, and a wild animal approaches. Instead of panicking, simply exclaim "I'm not sure I'm sure, I'm not sure I'm sure, I'M NOT SURE I'M SURE, I'M SURE I'M NOT SURE!"

Continue to Protocol 2: The Art of Dithering

Or, if you're feeling extra paranoid, return to The Introduction