Welcome, fellow citizens of the Coffee Connoisseur's Republic! Today, we're here to register your most heinous, yet somehow endearing crimes: Taking a Second Helping of Coffee!
Offense Description: Consumed more than 8 ounces of coffee in a single sitting, despite prophets warning of the impending jitters and existential dread.
Witnesses: None, due to the victim's (your) ability to function as a hermit.
Penalty: 1) Mandatory attendance to a support group for caffeine-addicted individuals, 2) Community service: Cleaning up after the sugar-high-fueled chaos you unleashed upon your kitchen.
Stealing a Keurig Creamer - A closely related offense, but prophets say it's a slippery slope.
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