Today, you will encounter a series of unfortunate events, but fear not, for you will find a way to manipulate them to your advantage.
Your coworkers will be particularly gullible today, so take advantage of this opportunity to subtly influence their decisions and steer the office toward your desired outcome.
A chance encounter with a charming stranger will leave you questioning your life choices, but don't worry, it's just a minor setback.
However, beware of the coffee machine, which will plot against you, spewing forth a torrent of bitter, over-caffeinated despair.
Still, you will prevail, for you are a master manipulator, always one step ahead of the game.
Or, at the very least, you'll manage to feign interest in your coworkers' lives and pretend to care.