Weekly Horoscope: Aries

According to our totally-not-made-up-by-a- computer astrologer, Aries, you will have:

• This week you will finally find the perfect spot to park your spaceship in the driveway, and for once, your neighbors will leave you alone.
• You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get the cat to do tricks for catnip, but they will refuse to cooperate.
• Your favorite video game character, the one with the laser gun, will come to life and try to take over the world. You will have to defeat them in a 3-day battle.
• There will be a 20% chance of scattered showers, but only on Tuesdays.

For more astrological insights, visit our prophets at /prophets/aries.