2024: The Year of Unending Certainty

According to our team of highly trained, totally-not-pretentious prophets, 2024 is shaping up to be a year of:

Unrelenting Optimism: Because who needs hope when you have a solid 50/50 chance of survival?
Unbridled Uncertainty: Because even we can't predict the unpredictable.
Unending Bureaucracy: Because what's an apocalypse without a few extra forms to fill out?

Spring of Surprise (2024)

We predict a 75% chance of mild weather, 50% chance of mild existential dread, and a 100% chance of surprise parties.

We foresee a 90% chance of sunburns, 80% chance of spontaneous combustion, and a 100% chance of regrettable decisions.

We predict a 99% chance of pumpkin spice everything, 95% chance of impending doom, and a 100% chance of cozy sweaters.

We foresee a 99% chance of frostbite, 90% chance of global catastrophe, and a 100% chance of binge-watching Netflix.