Our Expertise: The Art of Predicting the Inevitable

At the Prophets of the Apocalypse, we're not just experts in the field of end-of-days forecasting. We're visionaries. We're the ones who see what's lurking in the shadows, just beyond the event horizon of sanity.

We've got a proven track record of accurately predicting:

• The precise moment when your favorite restaurant will run out of your favorite food item
• The inevitable collapse of your favorite sports team's chances
• The exact date and time when your neighbor's lawn will become overgrown and a hazard to navigation

Our Methods:

Our team employs the most advanced and arcane methods, passed down from ancient seers and forgotten cults:

• Extensive study of the I Ching
• Interpretation of omens and portents
• Advanced statistical analysis of lottery numbers

You can read more about our methodologies in our Ancient Art of Reading Tea Leaves or our Reading the Stars page.

Or, if you're feeling adventurous, you can Ask the Oracle directly. We'll get to the bottom of things, even if it takes us to the depths of despair.

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