Today's Proclamations from the Great and Powerful Oracle

It is written, and shall be done!

By order of the Prophets of the Apocalypse, the following proclamations have been decreed:

• Proclamation 1: The end is nigh, but not today.
• Proclamation 2: The coffee machine is still not functioning, a miracle.
• Proclamation 3: We will not be having any meetings on Fridays.

Remember, the apocalypse is not just a prediction, it's a lifestyle choice.

Stay vigilant, stay caffeinated.