Prophetic Proclamations

From the Mouths of the Saved

Welcome, mortals, to the Oracle of Prophetic Proclamations. Our team of expert seers has gathered to share the most dire and fantastical predictions for your benefit.

• The world will end in a blaze of glory, but not before a 3-day sale on discounted nachos.
• The apocalypse will be postponed due to an unexpected outbreak of disco fever.
• The only thing that will survive the coming cataclysm is the Wi-Fi signal in the basement.