Welcome, mortal, to the prophecies of John, the one true prophet!

I foresaw the apocalypse, and all I have to say is...

• ...it's going to be bright, and full of fire.
• ...the skies will be painted with hues of crimson and gold.
• ...the streets will be filled with the screams of the damned.

But fear not, for I have prepared for you a guide to survive the coming doom!

Click here for the Guide to Apocalypse Survival Or, if you're feeling fancy, try my Tips for the Discerning Doomsday Prepper And if you're still confused, check out the Frequently Asked Questions