BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, I, THE NEIGHBORING PROPHET, DECLARE THAT ALL CITIZENS SHALL:
1. Maintain a minimum of three days' worth of facial hair, lest they be subject to the wrath of the Mustache Gods.
2. Wear their mustaches at all times, except during times of extreme physical exertion, lest they incur the displeasure of the Prophetic Council.
Failure to comply will result in:
1. Immediate and irreversible transformation into a sentient, talking pineapple.
2. Forced viewing of the 1987 film "The NeverEnding Story", on repeat, for all eternity.
Decree 5: Mandatory Mustache Maintenance (Part 2) Rebuttal: Decree 3 - The Prophetic Council's Greatest Hits