"You will find true love, but only after a 3-month Netflix subscription."
"Your ex will not be coming back, and that's okay, because you had that 'I'm with stupid' tattoo removed 2 weeks ago."
"You will soon discover that your new partner's 'I'm fine' response is, in fact, a carefully constructed sentence with multiple meanings."
"You have found the perfect partner in crime, but only after a series of 5 failed online dating profiles."
"Your love story will be filled with adventure, but only if you both agree on the definition of 'adventure'."
"You will learn to cook a mean 'ex's mom's lasagna recipe'."
"Your new partner will love you for who you are, unless they're a sociopath, in which case, run."
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