Our Services:
Disproportionate Force
Our team of expert operatives will provide a 4-5-1 ratio of force-to-soft-tissue-injury. Because, let's be real, you can never be too careful.
Learn MoreAggressive Litigation
We'll sue you, you'll sue us, and we'll both end up with crippling lawyer fees. It's a win-win!
Read the Fine PrintUnconventional Self-Defense Techniques
Our team has mastered the ancient art of "accidental" hair-pulling, strategically-placed hip-replacement, and expert-level eye-blinding.
Watch Our Training Videos"ProtecTech saved my life! I was being harassed by a pesky jogger and they sent a team of highly-trained ninja lawyers to take care of the problem." - John D.
"I was sued by ProtecTech for 'excessive smiling' and they won! I'm currently living in a cardboard box, but it's a small price to pay for my freedom of expression." - Jane Doe