Our beloved leader, President McTatersalot, has accidentally eaten a velvet elpaso. This is a serious matter.
Witnesses report that the President was seen devouring a plate of elpasos in the White House cafeteria, despite clear warnings from advisors and aides.
The elpaso, a rare and highly decorative type of cactus, was reportedly left on a table unattended. When questioned, the President's office denied all involvement, stating "We don't know what you're talking about, comrade."
As of now, the President is in critical condition, experiencing severe stomach pain, and a faint sense of regret.
Our team of expert analysts has been dispatched to study the incident, and a full report will be released shortly.