Policy Manual
Section 1: The Unofficial Guide to Not Being a Dick
- Do not eat the stapler. Seriously, don't.
- Do not use the copier for personal phone calls or to order pizza.
- Do not wear your pants backwards on Fridays.
- Do not use the microwave to melt last night's leftovers for a midnight snack.
Failure to comply will result in disciplinary action, including but not limited to, mandatory attendance at a "How not to be a Dick" seminar.
Section 2: Vacation Time
We love you, and we're sure you'll do great on your time off. But just in case, here's what not to do:
- Do not check your work email on your vacation. We mean it.
- Do not bring your laptop to the beach. It's just not that interesting.
- Do not try to "work" on your vacation. You're not fooling anyone.
- Do not send us a postcard that reads "I'm on vacation, and I'm loving it! (But not really)".
Section 3: The Unspoken Rules
Some things are just understood, but not explicitly stated. Like, you know, the rules about wearing socks:
- You will wear socks. All the time.
- You will not wear socks with sandals. Ever.
- You will not wear socks with flip flops. It's just not a thing.
- You will, however, wear socks with a suit. It's a thing.
Section 4: Management
HR
HR
Management's Guide to Being an Overlord
Section 1: The 4-Step Guide to Being Awesome
- Step 1: Wake up at 5am to "get a head start" on the day. In reality, just hit the snooze button 17 times.
- Step 2: Stomp your feet loudly in the office to "get the blood flowing."
- Step 3: Demand that everyone around you follow your every command, lest they face "the wrath of the manager."
- Step 4: Take a 3-hour lunch, because "productivity is key" and you're clearly a genius.
Section 2: The Art of Micromanaging
We're not controlling, we're just "helping" you do your job. Better:
- Check your email every 5 minutes to make sure you're not "slacking off."
- Call a meeting at 3am to discuss "urgent" matters. The ones you've been meaning to bring up for weeks.
- Mandatory "productivity sessions" are a must.
- Randomly inspect employee workstations for "inspiration."
Section 3: The Secret to Being a "Leader"
We're not saying you have to be a "leader," but if you do, here's how to do it right:
- Use a lot of buzzwords like "synergy," "disrupt," and "paradigm."
- Make "decisions" that affect everyone, but don't actually have to follow through on them.
- Tell people they're "winning" when, in reality, they're just "participating."
- Use a "motivational" poster with your face on it. It's a "thing."
And remember, if you're not following these steps, you're not a real leader. You're just a fake leader. A "poser."
(Note: The subpages linked are fictional and don't actually exist, just like the rest of the content.)
HR
Management's Guide to Being an Overlord
Section 1: The 4-Step Guide to Being Awesome
- Step 1: Wake up at 5am to "get a head start" on the day. In reality, just hit the snooze button 17 times.
- Step 2: Stomp your feet loudly in the office to "get the blood flowing."
- Step 3: Demand that everyone around you follow your every command, lest they face "the wrath of the manager."
- Step 4: Take a 3-hour lunch, because "productivity is key" and you're clearly a genius.
Section 2: The Art of Micromanaging
We're not controlling, we're just "helping" you do your job. Better:
- Check your email every 5 minutes to make sure you're not "slacking off."
- Call a meeting at 3am to discuss "urgent" matters. The ones you've been meaning to bring up for weeks.
- Mandatory "productivity sessions" are a must.
- Randomly inspect employee workstations for "inspiration."
Section 3: The Secret to Being a "Leader"
We're not saying you have to be a "leader," but if you do, here's how to do it right:
- Use a lot of buzzwords like "synergy," "disrupt," and "paradigm."
- Make "decisions" that affect everyone, but don't actually have to follow through on them.
- Tell people they're "winning" when, in reality, they're just "participating."
- Use a "motivational" poster with your face on it. It's a "thing."
And remember, if you're not following these steps, you're not a real leader. You're just a fake leader. A "poser."